3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
