Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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