I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
