Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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