Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
