just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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