I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
