We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
