Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
