He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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