remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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