I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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