when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
