from now on my penis is your penis
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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