I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
