there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
