I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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