the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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