My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
