quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
