So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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