I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
