I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
