put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
