the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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