I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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