How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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