He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
