All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
