Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
