apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
