I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
