I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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