I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
