fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize