im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
