Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
