Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
