I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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