Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
