Only a mothe r could love this liver
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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