I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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