someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
