are you still at the devil's house?
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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