The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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