I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
