a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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