"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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