I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
