now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
