Don't EVER smell your tampon
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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