I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
