i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
