i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
