hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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