I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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