my mouth tastes like poor choices
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
