so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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