You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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