my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
