Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
