Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
