ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
