Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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