her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You pole danced in your parka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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