Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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